In The Dark

I wouldn't call it writers block. I wouldn't call it nothing more to say. I just don't know what or where my mind is leading me lately. I want to turn to this blog to figure it out. Sort the files that seem to be running wild in my head. To get that mental release I have found so many times in blogs past. I just feel lost. I want to cry but my eyes stay dry. I want to scream to everyone and everything, but my voice is silent. DAMN IT... I want to just be me again. But that me feels dead. That me feels non-existent any more. That me lived a blind life, a life full of so much false feelings. The new me wants to know what love feels like. The new me wants to trust the love that is given. The new me needs comfort and support. Sometimes I just want to be held and told "its ok". I want to hear I am wanted and I am loved. I want to feel it. Mostly, I want to be able to trust it again. Its nothing no one today has done its just the fact being my idea of wha...

With all this how would I move on? Was it possible to have my life back before all the memories? How could I move forward with out my mother? I wasn't sure what the first step would look like or feel like. I was definitely scared of it and all its unknowns. At this point all I knew was I wanted to move forward and take the control back. I just wasn't sure exactly how to do it. I wanted to make sure that even though legally I couldn't do anything to my brother and the justice system has a time limit for convictions, that this would not go unheard. That it would not be shoved under the rug. That it would never creep back in my life crippling my capabilities like this again. Blogging! That was my answer. I would tell my story. I would tell it to everyone so they would know. If you are reading this you know all I have been through in the last several months. You know all that I had been thru in my life. An emotionally and mentally abusive, narcissistic mother and a sex...

Flash back after flash back... I felt defeated by my own concious. I wanted mental freedom. I wanted a day where I didn't fake it. I day I gave all of me to my husband and my kids. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, it was seemingly impossible.  The second my kids were the background noise my mind started working. Digging up anything and everything it could from the files deep down. The lost hole of my childhood. Ill never really understand why I wanted so badly to remember everything. Hell the stuff I didn't ask to remember were awful. Maybe it just comes down to searching for a reason. Searching for the answers to all my "why" questions. For weeks as I sat there digging and digging at my own memory bank I suffered from a never ending headache. My brain was literally being forced into over drive by me. I wanted the reasons. I wanted the purpose. I wanted to know that I was actually loved by my mother. And I was once treated like a...

So as I left off I told you guys I made two facebook posts. One to my own personal wall and another on my mothers wall. I had reached a point of " fuck it " I was done feeling like this. I didn't want my ex step father to have any control over me. I didn't need my mother sending out her "pack" to harass me for coming forward and confronting the disturbing issues of our past. Time to just let the skeletons fall and time to move forward. I was fully aware that the past wasn't ever going to change but I planned to live a humbled life moving forward knowing I didn't let this just become something I brushed under the rug and forgot. So I posted....           The first post was the words my ex step father said to me that dug deep. The second was the post I sent to my mother. I was so angry that he did that. I was even more angry at her for even going to him. What exactly was she looking for?? Clearly what I had told her wasn't enoug...