Would they stop
Flash back after flash back... I felt defeated by my own concious.
I wanted mental freedom.
I wanted a day where I didn't fake it.
I day I gave all of me to my husband and my kids.
No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, it was seemingly impossible.
The second my kids were the background noise my mind started working. Digging up anything and everything it could from the files deep down. The lost hole of my childhood.
Ill never really understand why I wanted so badly to remember everything. Hell the stuff I didn't ask to remember were awful.
Maybe it just comes down to searching for a reason. Searching for the answers to all my "why" questions.
For weeks as I sat there digging and digging at my own memory bank I suffered from a never ending headache. My brain was literally being forced into over drive by me. I wanted the reasons. I wanted the purpose.
I wanted to know that I was actually loved by my mother. And I was once treated like a sister to my brother.
Unfortunately all this did was stir up more half memories. Memories I can't even fully explain.
Back when I was in the 7th grade I had a room in the garage that I unfortunately shared with my brother (whom was somewhere in his 20's) and his girlfriend. On this occasion I remember waking up and seeing my brother standing at the foot of my bed. I was laying there with my covers pulled down to my feet and my shirt pulled all the way up exposing my breast. I didn't feel right. I felt groggy almost like I had taken a pain killer. I sat there looking at him confused. I stop looking at him pulled my shirt down and pulled the covers back up. When I looked up to see if he was still standing there but he was gone. Still feeling groggy I laid back down. Pulling my covers close to me as if it were to protect me I drifted back to sleep.
The next incident was similar. I was in high school this time. Around 9th or 10th grade. Again I woke up uncovered this time not only were my breast out but my underwear were pulled down. I again felt dizzy and confused. Along with that, my brother was walking from the side of my bed to the end of my bed where he stopped looked down at me and then opened my door. The light of the hallway made me squint. The door shut I finish adjusting my clothes. I pulled the blankets up again holding them tight against me. The door opens again, I hear my brothers voice softly say "I'm sorry". The door closed and I drifted back to sleep.
Wait what??? Why did he say sorry?
Was he actually sorry?
Or was he sorry that I saw him this time and I was older and he feared I would say something?
I will never know what that meant. I'll never know why he did that. And I'll never know why I didn't do something then.
A thought came to mind, maybe with how loopy I was feeling, not my self and the very vague memories, was he drugging me some how? In a previous blog I mention how he talked about making chloriform. Could he have used it on me?
How many times had he done that where I didn't wake up? Did he do more?
Why would he take that risk? Why would he need to go to that degree?
He was in a relationship at the point where those incidents happened.
No matter all the "whys" What he did was wrong. What he did stole from me. He took a piece of me I'm not sure I will ever get back.
I wanted desperately to move forward. I wanted to not look back. I wanted to for get it all. Which brings me here to these blogs. These blogs you have been reading. It became my release.
My take back. This is where I start becoming the best me. The me the people I love, who love me back, deserve!
Not every day is a good day!
Ill never really understand why I wanted so badly to remember everything. Hell the stuff I didn't ask to remember were awful.
Maybe it just comes down to searching for a reason. Searching for the answers to all my "why" questions.
For weeks as I sat there digging and digging at my own memory bank I suffered from a never ending headache. My brain was literally being forced into over drive by me. I wanted the reasons. I wanted the purpose.
I wanted to know that I was actually loved by my mother. And I was once treated like a sister to my brother.
Unfortunately all this did was stir up more half memories. Memories I can't even fully explain.
Back when I was in the 7th grade I had a room in the garage that I unfortunately shared with my brother (whom was somewhere in his 20's) and his girlfriend. On this occasion I remember waking up and seeing my brother standing at the foot of my bed. I was laying there with my covers pulled down to my feet and my shirt pulled all the way up exposing my breast. I didn't feel right. I felt groggy almost like I had taken a pain killer. I sat there looking at him confused. I stop looking at him pulled my shirt down and pulled the covers back up. When I looked up to see if he was still standing there but he was gone. Still feeling groggy I laid back down. Pulling my covers close to me as if it were to protect me I drifted back to sleep.
The next incident was similar. I was in high school this time. Around 9th or 10th grade. Again I woke up uncovered this time not only were my breast out but my underwear were pulled down. I again felt dizzy and confused. Along with that, my brother was walking from the side of my bed to the end of my bed where he stopped looked down at me and then opened my door. The light of the hallway made me squint. The door shut I finish adjusting my clothes. I pulled the blankets up again holding them tight against me. The door opens again, I hear my brothers voice softly say "I'm sorry". The door closed and I drifted back to sleep.
Wait what??? Why did he say sorry?
Was he actually sorry?
Or was he sorry that I saw him this time and I was older and he feared I would say something?
I will never know what that meant. I'll never know why he did that. And I'll never know why I didn't do something then.
A thought came to mind, maybe with how loopy I was feeling, not my self and the very vague memories, was he drugging me some how? In a previous blog I mention how he talked about making chloriform. Could he have used it on me?
How many times had he done that where I didn't wake up? Did he do more?
Why would he take that risk? Why would he need to go to that degree?
He was in a relationship at the point where those incidents happened.
No matter all the "whys" What he did was wrong. What he did stole from me. He took a piece of me I'm not sure I will ever get back.
I wanted desperately to move forward. I wanted to not look back. I wanted to for get it all. Which brings me here to these blogs. These blogs you have been reading. It became my release.
My take back. This is where I start becoming the best me. The me the people I love, who love me back, deserve!
Not every day is a good day!
My heart is breaking and tears are flowing that this happened to you by someone who should have protected you. I have a similar memory of abuse...but by a cousin. I told my mom what happened and she went to my aunt, and I never spent another night (or day) in their home.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong young woman...always were. You were spunky and outspoken...perhaps that helped prepare you for this journey as well. You will be someone others can look to for strength and courage for years to come. Love you, always.
My heart is breaking and tears are flowing that this happened to you by someone who should have protected you. I have a similar memory of abuse...but by a cousin. I told my mom what happened and she went to my aunt, and I never spent another night (or day) in their home.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong young woman...always were. You were spunky and outspoken...perhaps that helped prepare you for this journey as well. You will be someone others can look to for strength and courage for years to come. Love you, always.
MB you have been one of the biggest supporters for me. I love you so much down deep inside. You are special in my life. Thank you for being here for me!! Lots of love to you always!
ReplyDelete