Another Girl

So as I left off I told you guys I made two facebook posts. One to my own personal wall and another on my mothers wall.

I had reached a point of "fuck it"

I was done feeling like this. I didn't want my ex step father to have any control over me. I didn't need my mother sending out her "pack" to harass me for coming forward and confronting the disturbing issues of our past.

Time to just let the skeletons fall and time to move forward.

I was fully aware that the past wasn't ever going to change but I planned to live a humbled life moving forward knowing I didn't let this just become something I brushed under the rug and forgot.

So I posted....

         

The first post was the words my ex step father said to me that dug deep. The second was the post I sent to my mother.

I was so angry that he did that. I was even more angry at her for even going to him.

What exactly was she looking for??

Clearly what I had told her wasn't enough.

I mean hell why believe your own daughter??

It was simple why she was doing what she was doing... She needed to find her out. There was no way she was going to take on the label of "failure." She wanted someone to say they knew and didn't do anything so she could join this "victim bus" I didn't want to be on anymore.

If I have learned anything about my mother in the 29 years I have known her its that she does not like to look bad on the outside and she paints a really good phony picture.

Back to these posts though... My mom and I exchanged posts back and forth! Here is the conversation:

Mother: Do you really want this on Facebook?

Mother: I'm willing to talk to you NOT to your brother in law

Me: Funny you say that but have not spoke a single word to me or even taken the time to hear what I have to say.

Mother: Your husband told me to stay away from you not to mention your brother in laws personal attacks

Me: My husband was protecting me. As a good husband should.

Mother: I was going to come talk to you in person but I was threatened.

Me: You were not threatened. Lmao.

Mother: I told your dad I was going to head over last Friday but your brother in law was blowing up my phone

Mother: So has your therapist talked with you about the the apostles you had. Jackie I think his name was

Me: what are you talking about?

Mother: Therapist Jackie

Me: My therapist Jackie?

Mother: After things were happening at Doe's house

Mother: All you kid talked with Jackie

Mother: You remember we didn't go to Doe’s house anymore

Me: No I didn't talk to him. I was scared.

Mother: Do you remember you and your childhood friend with crayons

Me: You told me I was being dramatic with my stories i was telling you

Mother: Bull shit

Me: Ok.

Me: You can believe what ever you want. I was a child. I was scared of everything you allowed in our house.

Mother: You need to remembered all of it if your going to per sue part of it

Me: You just want me to let go of what your poor son did and take the heat off him.

Mother: Get a good therapist IL say prayers for you and your healing. But please remember it all

Me: I wish I never had to remember it all. I was very content with life and the way things were going. I blanked out a good chunk of child hood for a good reason!

Mother: He's a grown person. I am done with you all. Your brother in law should never have been part of all this and I've never been inapprochable. But you are only remembering part of all this

Me: I have my own help. Thanks. You should probably pray for your son he needs it more then I do.

Mother: On his own too

Me: Funny how you are making this a personal attack on you... When frankly you sent your ex husband.

Me: I said nothing to you but yet your ex decided to say the things he did to me.

Me: Ill pray for you as well Mother! As I believe you will need it more then I will. I'm done with you as well.

Mother: I didn't send my ex. But I'm talking to everyone that was around including your dad. Grandma isn't here but if she had heard anything she wouldn't have kept quiet

Me: Good for you. Find your peace in talking to everyone but the fucking people you let down!

Mother: Tried to talk to you and ask questions but your brother in law told me to shut up and just listen to a 2X3 phone screen. I wanted to come straight to you to talk. But can't do that.

Me: You are right you are not welcome in my home. You couldnt listen. I barely got to talk.

Me: You walked out and didn't give it a chance. You needed “therapy.” If you wanted to try and know the whole story without my brother in laws input or interference you would have called or something before hollaring you need a therapist to process 1/10 of the whole.

My sister: Wow!! Sister I’m so so sorry your going through this I’m here for you!!!

Mothers extended family: Um wow is that a family member??

Mother: Yes. Daughter

So no joke just now after re-reading that conversation I finally did it. I deleted her. How I kept her on my social media accounts after that conversation where its very clear she denied me and all I was saying is beyond me. Maybe I'm growing and finding more of that strength I didn't know I had. 

WOW I feel liberated. So good!! 

So back to the posts....

In the conversation she brings up an incident between a child hood friend and their home. I changed the name to "Doe's home." Again I'm not dragging anyone into something they don't want to confront. 

Anyways, Doe's house was also the home of brother H. He had 3 sisters. Just like in our home. Well as my mother sat their and tried throwing them under the bus for all the wrong and weird things at their house she remained friends with the mother. Who saw this conversation and reached out asking what happened and questioned her accusations.

She also private messaged me. I was up front and blunt with what happened. I told her what her son had done to me. I told her what my bother had done to me. Her instant response was she was so sorry. She was honest with me... She told me that her son (brother H) had molested her daughter who was my close friend in that family and that he did prison time and was a registered sex offender because of it. He had also received counseling and other help.

I found some sense of relief and peace in that info.

She then told me more.

She told me how guilty she felt for what my brother had done to me. She said that her daughter had told her my brother had also molested her. She doesn't know why she didn't go after him but she had chosen to just stop all communication in hopes that she would be able to protect her daughter that way. Not a single thought that maybe he was doing it to us, his sisters.

I was crushed. I couldn't believe that it wasn't just me. It was my friend.

It hurt so bad knowing that if we would have known it was happening to each other or just talked about it maybe we would have given each other the strength to say something and have them both facing the consequences they deserved.

I also found myself feeling envious of the fact that she had this mother that didn't just brush her off. She didn't make her continue living her day to day under the harmful acts of her son to her daughter. As hard as I'm sure it was she dealt with it. She stood up and had strength to protect her daughter.

What an amazing mother!!

Why couldn't I have that?

The part of the conversation that stuck was "remember you and your childhood friend and the crayons?"... No I didn't remember. What did that even mean? I tried my hardest to remember that. When I couldn't I asked my sisters what she meant.

I learned that me and this friend decided to stick crayons up our vaginas.

I don't know what more of a warning sign a mother needs. Guess this wasn't a red enough flag... Or maybe it was, she just didn't want that negative attention and it was easier to pretend and brush it under the rug like everything else.

Hearing this I had a very choppy memory come back.

Another night we decided to play hide and go seek in the dark. Not my favorite game. Not sure where all the adults are but the house goes dark as I hide behind a orange colored swivel rocking chair. holding my knees close to my chest, breathing heavy, shaking, just hoping this round would end quickly and the lights would come on fast. 

I hear someone. I don't know if it was the seeker or....

Someone is next to me. He tells me to be quiet. as he reaches thru the small space between my ankle and butt cheek. He starts to rub me thru my pants. I want to scream so bad. He starts to kiss me. But the kiss was different. The smell of his breath it was awful. then another hand goes down the front of my shirt...

Found you!!! 

Someone yelled and the lights came on. There I was sitting alone now with my knees still pulled tight against my chest and now my pants are wet. I pee'd them. 

I then remember jumping on the bed with my friend. As I jumped I saw my brother and brother H come in. He told me had to show me something. As he lead me away I looked back at my friend still jumping and watching my brother look up at her. In that moment I thought "was he going to touch her." 

Nothing... I don't remember where we went or what it was like when I came back. All I know is from past memories now was that he didn't need to show me anything I had to see.