Lost


I wouldn't call it writers block. I wouldn't call it nothing more to say.

I just don't know what or where my mind is leading me lately. I want to turn to this blog to figure it out. Sort the files that seem to be running wild in my head. To get that mental release I have found so many times in blogs past.

I just feel lost.

I want to cry but my eyes stay dry. I want to scream to everyone and everything, but my voice is silent.

DAMN IT... I want to just be me again.

But that me feels dead. That me feels non-existent any more. That me lived a blind life, a life full of so much false feelings.

The new me wants to know what love feels like. The new me wants to trust the love that is given. The new me needs comfort and support.

Sometimes I just want to be held and told "its ok". I want to hear I am wanted and I am loved. I want to feel it. Mostly, I want to be able to trust it again. Its nothing no one today has done its just the fact being my idea of what I thought love was has changed so much.

Its hard to explain. Being manipulated into a false love my whole life makes my mind now say does this or that person love me? Why do they love me? How could they love me? I'm broken!

I know what happened wasn't okay. I know everything I experienced in my childhood was wrong. I just want to know that I will be okay now. The new me with all these new horrifying memories. I want to know they will eventually go away and I want to know I can get back to life.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have remembered anything. By not remembering I would still be going along with life just fine.

As fantasy as that is... I know its not true. There is so many of my flaws that can be blamed on the childhood I was given and the lack of so many things children need to thrive in life as an adult.

My past shows that statistically I should have so much more wrong with me. Many more struggles. So maybe I am blessed that I over came it all. That I didn't become another statistic.

This frustration will pass. But that doesn't mean tomorrow will be easier then today... Tomorrow will be a new day, but that for me right now... can mean a new memory, another set back! I will keep fighting though. I will keep trying. I'll try not to give up!







Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 27, 2018 at 3:15 PM

    ((((HUGS)))) from one broken (and healing soul) to another 💕♥️♥️💕.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A complicated Introduction

Image
Hi my name is Shannon. I would like tell you a little about myself as I invite you into my world. Let me hit you with a few bullet points first: I'm a wife and mother of 4 and I take my roles serious I'm in no way a perfect writer so just expect there to be errors (spelling, punctuation, ect.) I've never blogged before and deciding to see how this not only helps myself but anyone who may find they have a similar story I enjoy soothing my days with coffee, wine and good quality friendships I believe there is a song for everything I'm not a risk taker I have many passions but rarely follow thru with them I have a good size family I'm currently nervous to even start sharing this life of mine as it seems to only get more complicated Well there ya have it, in a nutshell anyways. There is much more to me then a few bullet points but over time with each blog you will learn more about my thoughts and character. I'm hopeful I will grab an audience of peo...
Read more

Another Girl

Image
So as I left off I told you guys I made two facebook posts. One to my own personal wall and another on my mothers wall. I had reached a point of " fuck it " I was done feeling like this. I didn't want my ex step father to have any control over me. I didn't need my mother sending out her "pack" to harass me for coming forward and confronting the disturbing issues of our past. Time to just let the skeletons fall and time to move forward. I was fully aware that the past wasn't ever going to change but I planned to live a humbled life moving forward knowing I didn't let this just become something I brushed under the rug and forgot. So I posted....           The first post was the words my ex step father said to me that dug deep. The second was the post I sent to my mother. I was so angry that he did that. I was even more angry at her for even going to him. What exactly was she looking for?? Clearly what I had told her wasn't enoug...
Read more

Where life takes turns

Image
Who knew a simple message from a person so insignificant could get me like it did. I was finally starting to feel better. I was starting to grasp the concept that I would never speak to my mother again. I thought it was all over. Time to move forward? Right? My step father, well ex step father, reached out. Back track a little. Before my step father ever came into the picture I remember a pretty good and normal life. My mom had my sister and I in modeling. My other sister did pageants. My brother was a boy scout. We all had are part in our local fair showing animals. My grandma played a MAJOR roll in our life at the time. It was the 5 of us. My mom was the best. So loving, caring and did everything for us. Well from my perspective anyways. I know I don't remember a lot just because of how young I was. I just remember the legitimacy of my happiness.  I'm not sure if my step father was the reason for all the changes or if it was just my mothers choices of who she l...
Read more