In The Dark

With all this how would I move on? Was it possible to have my life back before all the memories? How could I move forward with out my mother? I wasn't sure what the first step would look like or feel like. I was definitely scared of it and all its unknowns. At this point all I knew was I wanted to move forward and take the control back. I just wasn't sure exactly how to do it. I wanted to make sure that even though legally I couldn't do anything to my brother and the justice system has a time limit for convictions, that this would not go unheard. That it would not be shoved under the rug. That it would never creep back in my life crippling my capabilities like this again. Blogging! That was my answer. I would tell my story. I would tell it to everyone so they would know. If you are reading this you know all I have been through in the last several months. You know all that I had been thru in my life. An emotionally and mentally abusive, narcissistic mother and a sex...

Flash back after flash back... I felt defeated by my own concious. I wanted mental freedom. I wanted a day where I didn't fake it. I day I gave all of me to my husband and my kids. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, it was seemingly impossible.  The second my kids were the background noise my mind started working. Digging up anything and everything it could from the files deep down. The lost hole of my childhood. Ill never really understand why I wanted so badly to remember everything. Hell the stuff I didn't ask to remember were awful. Maybe it just comes down to searching for a reason. Searching for the answers to all my "why" questions. For weeks as I sat there digging and digging at my own memory bank I suffered from a never ending headache. My brain was literally being forced into over drive by me. I wanted the reasons. I wanted the purpose. I wanted to know that I was actually loved by my mother. And I was once treated like a...

So as I left off I told you guys I made two facebook posts. One to my own personal wall and another on my mothers wall. I had reached a point of " fuck it " I was done feeling like this. I didn't want my ex step father to have any control over me. I didn't need my mother sending out her "pack" to harass me for coming forward and confronting the disturbing issues of our past. Time to just let the skeletons fall and time to move forward. I was fully aware that the past wasn't ever going to change but I planned to live a humbled life moving forward knowing I didn't let this just become something I brushed under the rug and forgot. So I posted....           The first post was the words my ex step father said to me that dug deep. The second was the post I sent to my mother. I was so angry that he did that. I was even more angry at her for even going to him. What exactly was she looking for?? Clearly what I had told her wasn't enoug...

Who knew a simple message from a person so insignificant could get me like it did. I was finally starting to feel better. I was starting to grasp the concept that I would never speak to my mother again. I thought it was all over. Time to move forward? Right? My step father, well ex step father, reached out. Back track a little. Before my step father ever came into the picture I remember a pretty good and normal life. My mom had my sister and I in modeling. My other sister did pageants. My brother was a boy scout. We all had are part in our local fair showing animals. My grandma played a MAJOR roll in our life at the time. It was the 5 of us. My mom was the best. So loving, caring and did everything for us. Well from my perspective anyways. I know I don't remember a lot just because of how young I was. I just remember the legitimacy of my happiness.  I'm not sure if my step father was the reason for all the changes or if it was just my mothers choices of who she l...

The hardest part is over. So I thought. After telling my mother and dealing with her reaction, I thought I could start moving forward. I mean all was good for a few days. My mind was full of disappointment that my mother let me down. Anger that my brother denied what he did. The realization that my mother was this person I had always hoped she wasn't crushed me. I thought about it long and hard hoping there would be a happy outcome. At least a salvageable relationship with her. I don't feel like I was asking to much being a child wanting its mother. The other realization was that my brother was this monster. How he could deny what he did with out a second thought made me sick. Made me see that all those times I remember his friend molesting me he sat there and enjoyed it. I start to feel angry when I think about that because for so long I looked back worrying he was possibly a victim in the situation as well. I worried more for others. He was a monster. Was he only my m...

Once all the cards were on the table about what kinda life we were really dealt as children under my mothers featherless wing, we decided she was who we would talk to first.  I wish more then anything I could have been there in person when we all sat down and talked but I had to be home with my kids and husband for our first big holiday away from home.  Unfortunately, the best day was Thanksgiving. With all the holiday functions coming up that he would naturally be attending, it had to be done as soon as possible. Not only that the next day everyone would be sitting in the same room with my mother was Thanksgiving. I know I wouldn't be able to "play patty cake" and pretend all evening that I hadn't heard the horrible things I did just 2 days prior. With cell phone in hand ready to video chat me in to a conversation that would be the hardest one I ever had, they went to another room with my mom.  We all sat there in silence for a few moments, when one of...