Gothel

Once all the cards were on the table about what kinda life we were really dealt as children under my mothers featherless wing, we decided she was who we would talk to first. 

I wish more then anything I could have been there in person when we all sat down and talked but I had to be home with my kids and husband for our first big holiday away from home. 

Unfortunately, the best day was Thanksgiving. With all the holiday functions coming up that he would naturally be attending, it had to be done as soon as possible. Not only that the next day everyone would be sitting in the same room with my mother was Thanksgiving. I know I wouldn't be able to "play patty cake" and pretend all evening that I hadn't heard the horrible things I did just 2 days prior.

With cell phone in hand ready to video chat me in to a conversation that would be the hardest one I ever had, they went to another room with my mom. 

We all sat there in silence for a few moments, when one of my sisters asked if I wanted to just go ahead and tell her. 

A puzzled look came over her face. Not puzzled excited nor fearful. More confused. With that, larger then last time, boulder size lump in my throat I once again spit the sentence out....

"Your son molested me!"

It was harder to say to her then anyone. It never got easier to say. It still is a hard sentence to even type out. At the same time, I had a hard time saying it, I had a sense of relief and worry.

A relief feeling knowing that I finally told her. I finally said it. It was no longer a dark secret in a closet. I was another step closer to bring the poor innocent girl who had been looked away inside some much deserved closure so she could move on. 

I felt worried because I didn't know how my mom would react. I didn't know what to expect her to say. I of course had my doubts as there has been several times in my past where she had shown me no sympathy. I guess I was worried that this would be one of those times and was really hoping it wasn't. 

It felt like waiting for her response took forever. I don't remember much which just drives me crazy. I remember trying to begin to explain why he wasn't aloud at the last party, that really was the root of all this other stuff coming to light, and her quickly saying that it had nothing to do with that. Still unsure of what that meant. Honestly that other stuff seemed so "little" compared to all the things I was about to tell her....

Unfortunately, I lost connection. When I called back all I remember was my mother walking out saying she didn't want to talk anymore and need to see a therapist.

Was that it? Was that all she was going to say? 

I felt like I deserved more then that. 

Didn't I? 

At first I was anger. How could she just walk out? How could all she had to say was she needed a therapist? 

Then I instantly went into "putting myself in her shoes" mind set. Maybe I was being harsh with my anger and selfish way of thinking. I have no clue what I would say or do in that situation. She needs to go home and sleep on it. Think about what I had just said to her. Hell she didn't know it all but that one sentence is harder for me to say then anything else, it had to have been hard to hear.

Okay I will give her time. She will call tomorrow. Its okay. She will call me.

She didn't call. 

The second day I wait a little bit thinking okay she had a full day. She thought about. She will definitely call.

WHY WASN'T SHE CALLING? 

I couldn't wait any longer so I call my sister. 

She had heard from our mother. The previous day. She sent her a text message pulling herself out of my sisters life. Saying she wanted nothing to do with her. My brother denied it all. Lastly to take care of  ME.

Wait what?? 

She wanted my sister to take care of ME?

Did this mean she wasn't going to say anything to me at all?

What did I do wrong?

Let me just say the happy little girl was crushed that her mother let her down. Broke her heart. She was sad. She didn't understand. 

The little girl that had been kept in the dark for so long was ENRAGED!!! That little girl wanted to rip something apart. That little girl wanted to make her mother cry for again closing the door in her face. Shutting her in trying to keep her locked away in the dark. This time though that little girl had the adult me ready to fight for her!

 I was determined from that point on to give my whole self the freedom from the past that started to haunt me. 

Let me back track a little on my mother. Share a few of memories about her.

I remember a time I was sitting with my sister in the dark listening to my mother and our step father talk about how they should just leave us kids. Get in their car and go and not come back. I was very young. This was not something they said to us but something I heard and I couldn't understand why my mom would just leave us. I was scared to go to sleep that night. Worried I would wake up and not have a mother. But I was so happy to have my sister there. 

Another time after finding out some tough news. Something that I don't want to fully mention in detail here. The news I got was a situation my mother had put me in with out any of my control. And when I called to tell her it wasn't what I had hoped it would be, instead of comfort and love, I received an attitude of simply not caring. Her words exactly "I don't know why you are so upset. I told you I didn't think it was this whole time." With out knowing all the details I'm sure it doesn't make much sense. Many people do know what I'm talking about. Trust me when I say that was NOT the right way to respond to your child when their heart was hurting. 

Several times as a child my mother would tell me how rude and selfish I was being for bringing home toys and new shoes and clothes from my weekend with my dad. She would tell me I had to let my sisters play with my new things. It wasn't fair I got new stuff and they didn't. She would make me feel guilty and wrong. 

Those are just a few. The things she would say and do to me over the years mentally was hard to open my eyes and see. I loved her. And I expected she loved me. I was her child that is what we are suppose to do. Love and protect our children. Right?

Once I had come to my senses and knew she wasn't going to say anything to me I had to figure out what my next step was. 

How was I going to move forward? 

My husband needing to say his piece, rightfully so, sent my mother a message. He told her she was a coward. He told her she was wrong for not saying more or doing more. He told her she was no longer welcome in our life. He told her to stay away from our home. Lucky for me he saw my hurt through my anger. He saw my hurt through my stay strong be brave act. He stood up for me. He loves me. 

Her response was simple. 

I WAS NOT BEING FAIR TO HER!!! I had my whole life to cope with being molested. She had just found out and was only given 2 days!!! 

Of course she would think that I had just sat and festered in this secret my whole life waiting for the right time to let the cat out of the bag, just to ruin her. It was ALWAYS about her! 

If she would have given me the opportunity to tell her everything she would learn that I had only had the memories recently come back to me. I had only just started figuring out how to deal with it all. I had to put "SELFISH" me on the back burner and worry about all the kids who could be hurt by my brother. I had to protect them. 

Guess she couldn't understand that because she couldn't even figure out how to do that herself with her own children! 

From this point forward I knew a relationship with my mother would be forever ruined. I saw a door open to escape the emotional abuse, the manipulation, and the bigotry of my mother. To become healthy I needed her and I to go our separate ways. I would be okay. 

I never expected the weeks to follow to be so overwhelming and hurtful like they were. I saw this as the end. It seems it was no where near it.