The beginning... I think!

Another day, another thought.

Here is a list of questions I have asked myself sense having the "flash back memories":

1. Why?
2. Why did my mind black it all out?
3. Why didn't a seek more help?
4. Why did I give up fighting?
5. Who would have stopped it from happening?
6. Why didn't I give anyone else a chance to save and protect me?
7. Who did I hurt by not saying anything?
8. Who is mad at me for not speaking up sooner and giving them the opportunity to protect me?
9. How many people did he hurt?
10. Why did I remember his friend molesting me but not him?

There are more questions, believe me I don't think the questions ever stop. Mostly "whys" 

So day One, well sorta, just back to the youngest age I can remember this stuff starting to happen. There was 2 families. My family and family H ( I dont want to use actual names because really its not my place to speak for others or bring anything on to them that they are not wanting to deal with). Each family had 4 kids, all of close to similar ages. The oldest were both the brothers. We did many things with this family, lots of sleepovers and get togethers. I remember spending multiple nights at each others houses and going back and forth often. We stayed with them and them us weekly. 

My memory has kept it fairly closed about any "easement" or "conditioning" into being molested. I just remember I never put up a fight. I dont remember if I was told anything bad would happen to me. I do remember the feeling of being overpowered and a sense of being defeated and knowing the fight wouldn't stop it from happening. 

The sleepovers:

I was very young, early elementary school age (Kindergarten-1st grade), I remember my brother and brother from family H coming and waking me or getting me while I lay there almost in a state of... waiting... and knowing they would be there eventually. Sleep was just a waste of time until it was over. I felt like it was a duty I had to do before I could sleep and be safe. This is where it gets difficult. I was never sure, thinking back, if my brother did more then just accompany his friend on my escort to a private location. Its why I never ruled him out of my life. It was also why I always held my reserves on being around him alone though. 

Once I was where he wanted to take me, my eyes were some how always covered or closed. I never knew if my brother had actually touched me the same times his friend did or if he just let his friend do it while he watched just as powerless as I was. Im still unsure if he actually particapated in the earlier and first times this happened.

After brother H was finished I would be left where I was sometimes alone. I remember laying there wondering if I moved would he be back or was I finally safe to go to bed and sleep and start a new day. Sometimes they would take me to the barn at either house and do it there where then they would wait for me to finally move when I was ready and follow me back to the house. No words, no laughter between them, no nothing. Just silence in the middle of the dark country night. 

It wasn't always dark either. Sometimes it would be in the middle of the day. When that would happen it was typically brother H alone and had caught me in the rare moment I was by myself. It usually was never as long or as intense as it was at night. None the less it happened when ever the opportunity presented itself.

I don't remember ever feeling like it was the last time. I just felt like it was it for now. I was never caught of guard. It was to "normal". How gross to think it was a "normal" for me as a child.

My adult self constantly wants to save the child me! 

When I think back to all the questions I have, the one I still cant seem to remember enough to give myself a solid answer to is; why did I not run? 

Why did I not fight? 

Partially I know it was because I felt powerless, but why? I wish I could remember. 

I also know a time I mentioned to my mother these things brother H was doing to me. I do not remember exactly what I told her he was doing, I do remember her telling me I was being dramatic.

Did I not give her enough details? Did I not explain in its full severity? I don't know.

What is crazy now, or better yet before the end of last year... I justified my mothers failure to her poor choices. I justified them because as an adult (Well not an adult but more mature and understanding mind) I learned my mother was addicted to drugs. Her mind wasn't healthy. How could she have made a healthy decision to protect me?  

Maybe that is what I ended up telling myself... I was being dramatic... Maybe I just assumed it was "normal" not worth the fight. I mean if as a child you turn to your parent and they don't do anything about it not comfort you or reassure you you will be ok... well you role with the cards that are dealt I guess.

My other hard thought looking back, why did I not give my dad that opportunity? I know now that he would have had me away from all that so quickly. He would have done everything in his power to make sure I was never hurt again.

Now the guilt, I denied him the chance to do his job. WHY? 

Here is where anger comes in.

Here is where I get pissed off at this "protective" brain I have... I guess. Sounds ridiculous. All those unanswered questions.

I was a young defensely child.

A child.

Somethings I'll never understand. Somethings will always be left a dark mystery.

The heart ache I feel for the child me that went through this pain... Its unexplainable.

Hold tight though this is only the beginning... This is just the first part of a bigger picture that only recently showed itself.

..... As for now this is the beginning... I think!

Reading over this it feels a little scattered but that is just my thoughts and the way this all plays out for me.

In time I'm hoping to transition this from the dark of my life to the life I lead as it gets healthy and happier. I just have to get through this part first cause this is where it starts.

If you read this. Thanks for sticking around and offering kind words and support.