In The Dark

Who knew a simple message from a person so insignificant could get me like it did. I was finally starting to feel better. I was starting to grasp the concept that I would never speak to my mother again. I thought it was all over. Time to move forward? Right? My step father, well ex step father, reached out. Back track a little. Before my step father ever came into the picture I remember a pretty good and normal life. My mom had my sister and I in modeling. My other sister did pageants. My brother was a boy scout. We all had are part in our local fair showing animals. My grandma played a MAJOR roll in our life at the time. It was the 5 of us. My mom was the best. So loving, caring and did everything for us. Well from my perspective anyways. I know I don't remember a lot just because of how young I was. I just remember the legitimacy of my happiness.  I'm not sure if my step father was the reason for all the changes or if it was just my mothers choices of who she l...

The hardest part is over. So I thought. After telling my mother and dealing with her reaction, I thought I could start moving forward. I mean all was good for a few days. My mind was full of disappointment that my mother let me down. Anger that my brother denied what he did. The realization that my mother was this person I had always hoped she wasn't crushed me. I thought about it long and hard hoping there would be a happy outcome. At least a salvageable relationship with her. I don't feel like I was asking to much being a child wanting its mother. The other realization was that my brother was this monster. How he could deny what he did with out a second thought made me sick. Made me see that all those times I remember his friend molesting me he sat there and enjoyed it. I start to feel angry when I think about that because for so long I looked back worrying he was possibly a victim in the situation as well. I worried more for others. He was a monster. Was he only my m...

Once all the cards were on the table about what kinda life we were really dealt as children under my mothers featherless wing, we decided she was who we would talk to first.  I wish more then anything I could have been there in person when we all sat down and talked but I had to be home with my kids and husband for our first big holiday away from home.  Unfortunately, the best day was Thanksgiving. With all the holiday functions coming up that he would naturally be attending, it had to be done as soon as possible. Not only that the next day everyone would be sitting in the same room with my mother was Thanksgiving. I know I wouldn't be able to "play patty cake" and pretend all evening that I hadn't heard the horrible things I did just 2 days prior. With cell phone in hand ready to video chat me in to a conversation that would be the hardest one I ever had, they went to another room with my mom.  We all sat there in silence for a few moments, when one of...

Once the memories started coming back they didn't stop. The memories consumed my days. Just doing simple task... The laundry How could I ever forget that smell. The stink of filthy, dirty laundry. Our home had a laundry room I swear that had a pile of clothes at least a foot high if not more. The room had a sour, musky smell. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. In the midst of all the dirty laundry where the many soiled underwear and sheets from me and my dark nights. Along, with my own pee, we had more animals then you can imagine using the same room as their own litter box. This room was in the middle of the house. I'm not exactly sure how he was able to get away with molesting me in this room but he did. I guess no where was safe. I do not remember if it was day or night during this particular flash back, there were no windows in that room. I just remember what he did. Lead by my brother and his friend, I walked nervously to where ever it was they were tak...

  After hearing some of the things that had happen to another person by the hands of my brother, the flash backs almost hit immediately.  I started to get to know a very dark world for a little girl I had locked away inside of me all this time. First flash back Laying in my room that was across from my brothers on the other end of the house from my mother and step father. My brother came into my room. I was wide awake. Scared. As he came into my room I remember feeling like it was "that time again". Almost as if it happened every night. I'm unsure of my exact age during this incident. I do know I was older then the furthest back memory I have of my brothers friend molesting me.  As I lay there unsure, sick to my stomach, scared, worried. His hand with no hesitation was down my underwear. I laid there with my eyes tightly closed feeling his hand move and hearing him breath. The sounds of clothes wrestling. I knew he was touching himself. I just wanted him to h...

As I have said before.. I always had my reserves around my brother. Mostly I always just associated it with the things that had happen by the hands of his friend. Also, as I got older I had anger towards him for not doing anything.  He was right there. I WAS HIS SISTER.  His LITTLE sister.  Maybe in my soul I knew it was more then him just spectating the events. Mentally I was just holding back. For what reason though?  I was never comfortable with him around my kids. AND HE WAS NEVER GOING TO BE AROUND THEM ALONE.  I even told him when I was pregnant for the first time and found out my baby was a girl if he EVER hurt her I would hurt him. He didn't say a word to me. He just blank stared and I walked away.  Always trust your gut. Even if you can't rationalize it in your mind, your soul does not fail you.  It all happened slowly... First kicker for me pushing my brother away a little was a Christmas party 2015...

Another day, another thought. Here is a list of questions I have asked myself sense having the "flash back memories": Why? Why did my mind black it all out? Why didn't a seek more help? Why did I give up fighting? Who would have stopped it from happening? Why didn't I give anyone else a chance to save and protect me? Who did I hurt by not saying anything? Who is mad at me for not speaking up sooner and giving them the opportunity to protect me? How many people did he hurt? Why did I remember his friend molesting me but not him? There are more questions, believe me I don't think the questions ever stop. Mostly "whys"  So day One, well sorta, just back to the youngest age I can remember this stuff starting to happen. There was 2 families. My family and family H ( I dont want to use actual names because really its not my place to speak for others or bring anything on to them that they are not wanting to deal with). Each family had 4 ki...

Hi my name is Shannon. I would like tell you a little about myself as I invite you into my world. Let me hit you with a few bullet points first: I'm a wife and mother of 4 and I take my roles serious I'm in no way a perfect writer so just expect there to be errors (spelling, punctuation, ect.) I've never blogged before and deciding to see how this not only helps myself but anyone who may find they have a similar story I enjoy soothing my days with coffee, wine and good quality friendships I believe there is a song for everything I'm not a risk taker I have many passions but rarely follow thru with them I have a good size family I'm currently nervous to even start sharing this life of mine as it seems to only get more complicated Well there ya have it, in a nutshell anyways. There is much more to me then a few bullet points but over time with each blog you will learn more about my thoughts and character. I'm hopeful I will grab an audience of peo...