Before the big reveal

Once the memories started coming back they didn't stop.

The memories consumed my days.

Just doing simple task...

The laundry

How could I ever forget that smell. The stink of filthy, dirty laundry. Our home had a laundry room I swear that had a pile of clothes at least a foot high if not more. The room had a sour, musky smell. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. In the midst of all the dirty laundry where the many soiled underwear and sheets from me and my dark nights. Along, with my own pee, we had more animals then you can imagine using the same room as their own litter box. This room was in the middle of the house. I'm not exactly sure how he was able to get away with molesting me in this room but he did. I guess no where was safe. I do not remember if it was day or night during this particular flash back, there were no windows in that room. I just remember what he did. Lead by my brother and his friend, I walked nervously to where ever it was they were taking me. I was again scared but not reacting. Just following in line to where I was being lead. No words exchanged. Seems like they already had a plan. Just wasn't for me to know and only to find out. No room for me rejecting them. As we reached the laundry room I remember being told to lay down. I first lay there with face up looking at both of them looking over top of me discussing something. It wasn't loud enough to know what exactly they were doing. As I stair up I see my brothers friend expose himself. I laid there as he touched my body with his penis. Rubbing it on my stomach and thighs. I started crying. Not out loud but softly. My eyes again, are tightly closed but I can feel the warm tear go cold as it rolled down the sides of my face and into my hair. I hear the words "I can't!" In frustration my body was roughly turned over. My face being shoved into the laundry. The dirty laundry. The pee'd on laundry. 

That wasn't even the worst part. My underwear came down and I feel the touches. Similar to the ones I was feeling on my stomach and thighs. My hips were grabbed and pulling my bottom tightly to his grown. He continued to rub him self on me (there was no penetration).

Finally he let go. I laid there before being turned over to see both my brother and his friend over top of me again. This time my brother the one next to me and his friend off to the side. I quickly close my eyes. Just then I felt a hand reach down and touch my non-existing breast. The hand slowly traced down my skin giving me nausea and goose bumps. The hand reached between my legs where it touched uninvited until it stopped.

Once it stopped I heard their movement as it slowly faded out of the laundry room where I was left laying there pantyless, cold, and scared. I again pee'd. Scared to move. Scared for if they would come back. Scared if they would touch me again. 

It was over. 

Memories like this were coming in continuously. I wasn't getting any breaks. My head hurt non stop. They consumed my day and my thoughts. I shared some with my husband. That was the hardest part. 

How would he look at me?

What would he say?

Did he think I was gross? I felt gross so he would definitely think I was gross right?

Would he be angry at me for not saying something sooner?

Would he believe me when I said I didn't remember until now?

Would he believe they were even things that really happened to me?

Luckily, he embraced with nothing more then support. He held me. Loved me. Gave me comfort in his safe arms. He offered to fight for me. He was there. All those questions faded with every one of his trusting touches and warm inviting hugs of comfort. I don't think he knew exactly what to do. But neither did I! He did everything right though. He was doing exactly what I needed him to do and didn't know it. 

As the next few weeks went by and the memories came to light, I started to feel like something needed to be done. 

My brother could not get away with this. 

What if he hurt someone else?

What if he already did?

Were the other little kids in our family safe?

Has he hurt them?

I kept sharing my concerns with husband. 

That's when he made the tough call. 
I tell my sisters or he does it for me.
The holidays were drawing near and the thought of him in the same house near my nieces and nephews made me sick. 

My husband and I knew we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves if  something every happened to any of the kids in our family. They were just as precious to us as our own children.

I made the 6 hour journey back to sit down with my sisters. 

During the drive there a million things ran through my mind. I didn't know how I would start the conversation. I didn't know how they would take the news. I wasn't sure if I would share these memories I was having with them. Or just let them know it was serious. 6 hours in the car, at night, with my 4 kids. My mind was busy playing out every scenario. Replaying every memory. 

Once I got there and saw my sisters I felt a sense of safe. I knew it would be okay and that I was doing the right thing. Exactly what needed to be done on my part, to ensure that I did what I needed to, to protect their kids. Ultimately the decision was theirs if they wanted him around ever again or not. 

The knot I felt in my throat was painful as I spit the words out "Our brother molested me." I explained to them that I had only recently started to remember all the incidents that he had done it. I told them that it was very often. Close too, if not every day or night. Sometimes both. Both their eyes filled with tears. I assumed they were filling similar emotions as me. Sad, guilt, anger, and remorse. 

As I told them all these things. I kept apologizing.

"I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner."
"I'm sorry I forgot."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I was a child."
"I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance to protect me."
"I'm sorry I didn't remember sooner so we could have kept him away from our kids."
"I'm sorry I failed."

I was sorry for all these things that were completely out of my control. All these things I couldn't explain. I didn't even really understand how the mind worked. I didn't know that our minds can blank things out to protect our well being. Its just not something I may ever fully understand. I still get frustrated with the thought that I just simple forgot something so damaging to my childhood. 

Remembering all these things that happened. All the bad things. It hurt because I had allowed my brother to be present in my life. I allowed him to be present in my children's life fighting with my husband. Not letting him make decisions based on his gut feeling. Forcing him to shove aside what his soul knew. I felt as if I failed to protect everyone I loved from this monster. 

I didn't just share the things my brother did. I also shared the things our mother lacked doing. I told them how she failed at protecting me like a mother is suppose to. She knew that my brothers friend had touched me. She did not stop him from coming around. She did not seek legal justice for me.

She was going to be the toughest hurdle for us to get through. I knew it wasn't just me she had this power over. She had us all. Even predicting the worse possible outcome, knowing how badly she could react and hurt us emotionally. We wouldn't fully be prepared for this conversation with her.

I unfortunately had to head back home the next day, leaving them to tackle our mother alone. If time and holidays allowed I would have stayed. I would have been there.