No more living in the dark...

As I have said before.. I always had my reserves around my brother.

Mostly I always just associated it with the things that had happen by the hands of his friend. Also, as I got older I had anger towards him for not doing anything. 

He was right there.

I WAS HIS SISTER. 

His LITTLE sister. 

Maybe in my soul I knew it was more then him just spectating the events. Mentally I was just holding back. For what reason though? 

I was never comfortable with him around my kids. AND HE WAS NEVER GOING TO BE AROUND THEM ALONE. 

I even told him when I was pregnant for the first time and found out my baby was a girl if he EVER hurt her I would hurt him. He didn't say a word to me. He just blank stared and I walked away. 

Always trust your gut. Even if you can't rationalize it in your mind, your soul does not fail you. 

It all happened slowly...

First kicker for me pushing my brother away a little was a Christmas party 2015. That year I was unable to attend the party. I was pregnant and wasn't feeling well. 

However I let my girls go to the party with my mother. Knowing they would be in a house surrounded by all their family and people who loved and cared about them. All was good. They came home told me they had fun. Went to bed. 

Nothing else!

The next morning, I start talking to my family about how the party went. At this point I learned that during the party while both my girls were playing with their other young girl family members my brother offered them all alcohol. 

Alone. With no other family around at the time. 

I was PISSED. 

Before I even got the chance to approach my daughter on the incident to find out more info she came to me. She informed me that her uncle (my brother) had offered alcohol. 

I WAS SOOOO ANGRY. I kept my cools so she could tell me more.

I asked her what she did. She said all the girls told him no. Then both my daughters and one other went and told my mother. Who didn't respond. So they told another adult. 

I was proud of their reaction to the situation they didn't trust being in. They sought out an adult and didn't give up until they knew it was going to be dealt with. 

#PROUDPARENTMOMENT

I can never thank the adult in this situation enough. She stood up for my kids and voiced out loud how wrong he was for doing so. She made my girls feel safe. She was their hero that night. She is someone I will always be thankful for protecting them when I couldn't!

To add to this we were in the process of adopting one of our daughters and if the wrong person caught wind of this happening... It would have set everything back! Even ruined it! Luckily we encountered zero issues and were able to finalize her adoption!

One by one, as the weeks followed the girls both came to me voicing how uncomfortable it made them that he did that. They also mentioned how uncomfortable he made them feel in general just being around him. Crazy part neither of them could explain it other then their stomach felt weird. 

GUT INSTINCT!!!!

With what they had told me they felt I started the "good touch, bad touch" talk. Hoping and praying that he never touched them. 

That he didn't hurt them. 

I swear I have never had worse thoughts towards a person then I did during this time. 

From what they told me I concluded HE NEVER TOUCHED THEM IN A BAD WAY!! PHEW!

I never confronted him myself. I should have. I wish I would have. If I could go back it would be the first thing I did. 

Instead I thought I could protect them by not having him around. I intentionally stopped inviting him and his wife to my home for different functions ( holidays, birthdays etc.). Without fail though, no matter the intentional non invite. He would show up.

why? 

My mother! 

At first I didn't say anything. I had fear of confronting her. I didn't want to deal with the argument and her twisting way of making me feel like the bitch and not to mention the guilt trips. They were awful and fighting with her was awful. She had a greater power over me then I ever thought or noticed before. 

THE FINAL STRAW!!!.. so I thought

A birthday party 2016. Now our birthday parties were typically crowded. My husband and I both have fairly large families and close friends we consider family. 

We had the usual attendance. Without fail I didn't invite my brother but my mom passed along the birthday details so he could come with her permission...

Now I'm sure most would tell me "Why didn't you just say something?" 

BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE DID. Including my husband. 

Looking back I see and know that would have made all this easier. As I explained though I never wanted to deal with my mother. I knew she would take me not wanting him there as a personal attack on her. With her I have always been heartless and carried no sympathy to others around me.

When I was a kid she would get mad at me for bringing things home from my dads. New toys, shoes, clothes etc. She would tell me I was being rude for flaunting my new things in front of my sisters and brother. If it was a toy she would tell me I better share it with them or I would be being selfish 

When really I gave way more then deserved because of her and her feelings. Putting my husbands desires and wishes on the back burner. Choosing to fight with him instead of dealing with her. Putting my own discomforts on the back burner. 

Worse of all and my biggest guilt not protecting my kids and their discomforts. I hate that I did that to them. 

Anyways, at the end of this birthday a newer friend we had made approached me described my brother and then explained to me that if he would be attending another party they would like to be informed because they would not be coming again if he was there. As she explained why, I was furious. 

He explained how he knew how to keep kids quiet.. CHLOROFORM! 

WHAT THE HELL???  Who says that? 

Not only did he say that but he also said he knew how to make it. AND EXPLAINED HOW!! 

I apologized over and over again to this person. I was completely embarrassed and angry. Mostly angry! 

Then later after most everyone left 2 more people told me they heard him say the same thing and said it was definitely a "WTF" feeling. 

I was done. I had to stop this NOW! 

So I told my mom I was upset with him and why. Explaining both situations and the way my kids told me they felt around him. Her response was very shallow and said she didn't understand why he did that or said that but nothing more. 

She also seemed more upset that my daughters wouldn't be staying the night at her house sense she had my brother living with her. She took it all personal. Even saying to others that I never wanted her to be around my kids. Which was far from the truth. She was a great grandma. I never doubted her love for them. She was good to my kids. 

I thought I had finally reached a point of moving forward and being respected of not having him around. 

The birthdays that followed that he did not show up. His wife did because my mother still invited them but my brother always worked so couldn't attend. 

I again brushed it off and letting my mother continue doing as she pleased! I just did what I could to schedule around when I knew he would be working and couldn't make it. 

I still didn't want to deal with her or the fight that would come from sticking up for myself and putting my foot down. 

We moved across the state, I became worry free! Until we made a trip home October 2017.

We had not seen most our friends and several family members in a long while so we decided on this trip home we would have a gathering to celebrate our daughters birthday and to see everyone we had been missing. Sent out a facebook invite so all would know.

I DID NOT INVITE MY BROTHER OR HIS FAMILY! 

Other issues had caused me to really not want to deal with them. I found a power in myself I never knew I had when I moved away. I didn't like this "attitude" my brothers wife had seem to really form towards my sister. She seem to have so much opinion on how she was raising her kids. Even making her feel bad. 

Funny part is.... In my opinion and most who know the situation first hand will tell you she is the last person who should be dishing out parenting judgement or advice. 

Then I hear about an argument her and my mother have. She made all kinds of accusations about the treatment of my poor brother... SHE HAD NO CLUE WHAT OUR LIVES WERE LIKE BEFORE HER. 

In the end I just knew at this point I didn't even want her around because I would have to speak up and defend my sister. This attitude needed to be shut down and I was not going to sit in the same room with her and not say anything. 

Then my mother did something a little different.... SHE ASKED ME! 

Reading back at these... I guess I could have been more clear with why. It wasn't just his wife. It was him. He was who I didn't want around anymore. 

Maybe in an attempt to save the fight and keep the relationship I had with my mother I just tip toed around it. Still not wanting to deal with her. 

We made the trip home. The party happened. My brother didn't show up. His wife didn't show up. 

MY MOTHER DIDN'T SHOW UP! She sent my kids their Christmas gifts and that was it.

How could she not show up? My feelings of not having them there had nothing to do with her. I never asked her to "pick me" over them. I just didn't want them there. 

How could she miss this opportunity to see her grandchildren when it was going to be months, do to weather, before she would see them again. I was so angry and hurt. I was also sad for my kids. Both girls noticed her absents. It was very apparent she wanted me to completely disregard my feelings and only think about hers. 

She wanted me to just invite my brother and his wife! When she didn't get what she wanted she threw this fit and didn't show up. She did it without a care of whose feelings she was hurting. Yes, I was hurt. But so where my kids. They didn't understand why grandma didn't show up! 

That bed was made, and I was mad. Hurt my feelings... FINE! Hurt my kids feelings.... NOT FINE!!!

The party went on we had fun left feelings aside so nothing was ruined. 

Later after the party I met up with some family and that is when the flash memories came back to me.... That is when the end of living in the dark happened.