In The Dark

I wouldn't call it writers block. I wouldn't call it nothing more to say. I just don't know what or where my mind is leading me lately. I want to turn to this blog to figure it out. Sort the files that seem to be running wild in my head. To get that mental release I have found so many times in blogs past. I just feel lost. I want to cry but my eyes stay dry. I want to scream to everyone and everything, but my voice is silent. DAMN IT... I want to just be me again. But that me feels dead. That me feels non-existent any more. That me lived a blind life, a life full of so much false feelings. The new me wants to know what love feels like. The new me wants to trust the love that is given. The new me needs comfort and support. Sometimes I just want to be held and told "its ok". I want to hear I am wanted and I am loved. I want to feel it. Mostly, I want to be able to trust it again. Its nothing no one today has done its just the fact being my idea of wha...

With all this how would I move on? Was it possible to have my life back before all the memories? How could I move forward with out my mother? I wasn't sure what the first step would look like or feel like. I was definitely scared of it and all its unknowns. At this point all I knew was I wanted to move forward and take the control back. I just wasn't sure exactly how to do it. I wanted to make sure that even though legally I couldn't do anything to my brother and the justice system has a time limit for convictions, that this would not go unheard. That it would not be shoved under the rug. That it would never creep back in my life crippling my capabilities like this again. Blogging! That was my answer. I would tell my story. I would tell it to everyone so they would know. If you are reading this you know all I have been through in the last several months. You know all that I had been thru in my life. An emotionally and mentally abusive, narcissistic mother and a sex...

Flash back after flash back... I felt defeated by my own concious. I wanted mental freedom. I wanted a day where I didn't fake it. I day I gave all of me to my husband and my kids. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, it was seemingly impossible.  The second my kids were the background noise my mind started working. Digging up anything and everything it could from the files deep down. The lost hole of my childhood. Ill never really understand why I wanted so badly to remember everything. Hell the stuff I didn't ask to remember were awful. Maybe it just comes down to searching for a reason. Searching for the answers to all my "why" questions. For weeks as I sat there digging and digging at my own memory bank I suffered from a never ending headache. My brain was literally being forced into over drive by me. I wanted the reasons. I wanted the purpose. I wanted to know that I was actually loved by my mother. And I was once treated like a...

So as I left off I told you guys I made two facebook posts. One to my own personal wall and another on my mothers wall. I had reached a point of " fuck it " I was done feeling like this. I didn't want my ex step father to have any control over me. I didn't need my mother sending out her "pack" to harass me for coming forward and confronting the disturbing issues of our past. Time to just let the skeletons fall and time to move forward. I was fully aware that the past wasn't ever going to change but I planned to live a humbled life moving forward knowing I didn't let this just become something I brushed under the rug and forgot. So I posted....           The first post was the words my ex step father said to me that dug deep. The second was the post I sent to my mother. I was so angry that he did that. I was even more angry at her for even going to him. What exactly was she looking for?? Clearly what I had told her wasn't enoug...

Who knew a simple message from a person so insignificant could get me like it did. I was finally starting to feel better. I was starting to grasp the concept that I would never speak to my mother again. I thought it was all over. Time to move forward? Right? My step father, well ex step father, reached out. Back track a little. Before my step father ever came into the picture I remember a pretty good and normal life. My mom had my sister and I in modeling. My other sister did pageants. My brother was a boy scout. We all had are part in our local fair showing animals. My grandma played a MAJOR roll in our life at the time. It was the 5 of us. My mom was the best. So loving, caring and did everything for us. Well from my perspective anyways. I know I don't remember a lot just because of how young I was. I just remember the legitimacy of my happiness.  I'm not sure if my step father was the reason for all the changes or if it was just my mothers choices of who she l...

The hardest part is over. So I thought. After telling my mother and dealing with her reaction, I thought I could start moving forward. I mean all was good for a few days. My mind was full of disappointment that my mother let me down. Anger that my brother denied what he did. The realization that my mother was this person I had always hoped she wasn't crushed me. I thought about it long and hard hoping there would be a happy outcome. At least a salvageable relationship with her. I don't feel like I was asking to much being a child wanting its mother. The other realization was that my brother was this monster. How he could deny what he did with out a second thought made me sick. Made me see that all those times I remember his friend molesting me he sat there and enjoyed it. I start to feel angry when I think about that because for so long I looked back worrying he was possibly a victim in the situation as well. I worried more for others. He was a monster. Was he only my m...

Once all the cards were on the table about what kinda life we were really dealt as children under my mothers featherless wing, we decided she was who we would talk to first.  I wish more then anything I could have been there in person when we all sat down and talked but I had to be home with my kids and husband for our first big holiday away from home.  Unfortunately, the best day was Thanksgiving. With all the holiday functions coming up that he would naturally be attending, it had to be done as soon as possible. Not only that the next day everyone would be sitting in the same room with my mother was Thanksgiving. I know I wouldn't be able to "play patty cake" and pretend all evening that I hadn't heard the horrible things I did just 2 days prior. With cell phone in hand ready to video chat me in to a conversation that would be the hardest one I ever had, they went to another room with my mom.  We all sat there in silence for a few moments, when one of...

Once the memories started coming back they didn't stop. The memories consumed my days. Just doing simple task... The laundry How could I ever forget that smell. The stink of filthy, dirty laundry. Our home had a laundry room I swear that had a pile of clothes at least a foot high if not more. The room had a sour, musky smell. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. In the midst of all the dirty laundry where the many soiled underwear and sheets from me and my dark nights. Along, with my own pee, we had more animals then you can imagine using the same room as their own litter box. This room was in the middle of the house. I'm not exactly sure how he was able to get away with molesting me in this room but he did. I guess no where was safe. I do not remember if it was day or night during this particular flash back, there were no windows in that room. I just remember what he did. Lead by my brother and his friend, I walked nervously to where ever it was they were tak...

  After hearing some of the things that had happen to another person by the hands of my brother, the flash backs almost hit immediately.  I started to get to know a very dark world for a little girl I had locked away inside of me all this time. First flash back Laying in my room that was across from my brothers on the other end of the house from my mother and step father. My brother came into my room. I was wide awake. Scared. As he came into my room I remember feeling like it was "that time again". Almost as if it happened every night. I'm unsure of my exact age during this incident. I do know I was older then the furthest back memory I have of my brothers friend molesting me.  As I lay there unsure, sick to my stomach, scared, worried. His hand with no hesitation was down my underwear. I laid there with my eyes tightly closed feeling his hand move and hearing him breath. The sounds of clothes wrestling. I knew he was touching himself. I just wanted him to h...

As I have said before.. I always had my reserves around my brother. Mostly I always just associated it with the things that had happen by the hands of his friend. Also, as I got older I had anger towards him for not doing anything.  He was right there. I WAS HIS SISTER.  His LITTLE sister.  Maybe in my soul I knew it was more then him just spectating the events. Mentally I was just holding back. For what reason though?  I was never comfortable with him around my kids. AND HE WAS NEVER GOING TO BE AROUND THEM ALONE.  I even told him when I was pregnant for the first time and found out my baby was a girl if he EVER hurt her I would hurt him. He didn't say a word to me. He just blank stared and I walked away.  Always trust your gut. Even if you can't rationalize it in your mind, your soul does not fail you.  It all happened slowly... First kicker for me pushing my brother away a little was a Christmas party 2015...