Where life takes turns

Who knew a simple message from a person so insignificant could get me like it did.

I was finally starting to feel better. I was starting to grasp the concept that I would never speak to my mother again. I thought it was all over. Time to move forward? Right?

My step father, well ex step father, reached out.

Back track a little. Before my step father ever came into the picture I remember a pretty good and normal life. My mom had my sister and I in modeling. My other sister did pageants. My brother was a boy scout. We all had are part in our local fair showing animals. My grandma played a MAJOR roll in our life at the time. It was the 5 of us. My mom was the best. So loving, caring and did everything for us. Well from my perspective anyways. I know I don't remember a lot just because of how young I was. I just remember the legitimacy of my happiness. 

I'm not sure if my step father was the reason for all the changes or if it was just my mothers choices of who she let in our home. I was pretty young when i remember my step father coming into our life. He brought a life of drinking and crazyness, something I had never known before. He was first my mothers friends boyfriend. Not sure where the tables turned there. I just remember her friend moved out and this guy stayed.  

He would do some crazy things that I never understood but thought were funny. Now looking back it was the combination of drugs and alcohol that caused all the crazy. Looking back and remember seeing someone sniff white powder off a mirror. At the time I didn't understand. But now, I know exactly what I had saw. How could that stuff have been aloud in our home? As a mother myself now I just can't understand why she ever thought any of them would be okay to have around.

I always saw my mother as this women who helped people. We took in people who need a place to stay. I thought she had this pure heart made of gold. 

Wrong. They benefited her and her own struggle and addictions. 

This is the times where I lost my mother. The memories I have are far and few in between. I remember the day they got married. It was a surprise on all of us. Not a very good one from what I remember and have seen from photo evidence. I wondered how our lives would change? They were already so different. 

My grandma disappeared from our home. She was forced out by mother and step father. No longer welcomed. I remember sitting with my grandma in her bed while both of them yelled at her. I don't remember what the argument was about I just remember I felt sorry for my grandma and I wanted to help her. Shortly after that she was gone. She always saw us. Came ever Sunday for church. It was a day I always looked forward to. A day where I didn't question if we would get food or have fun. 

Jumping forward from the mayhem and drugs of my early childhood. My step father became physically abusive towards me when I was in the 6th grade. I remember the very first incident...

I had just got home. It was a week day but I had gone to a friends house after school. I remember getting online at her house. Which I was told I couldn't do with out permission because then they wouldn't be able to get online at home. Not thinking much about it I headed home. I walked through the door and instantly my step father started asking me about if I had got on my AOL account at someone else's house. I did not lie. I told him the truth. I even apologized. He screamed at me telling me "you're fucking stupid" "you have no god damn brain"... What the heck? I made a mistake. I told the truth. 

He sent me to my room and told me to clean it. I went upstairs and started cleaning. Just about to finish up I headed down stairs to get paper towels and cleaner spray to finish the job. When I turned out of the kitchen from retrieving the things I needed He was standing there. Towering over top of me. Yelling! Calling me all kinds of names no one had ever called me before. "You little Bitch"... It stuck. I tried moving past him to get back to the stairs and go to my room. Just as I turned my back I felt the grasp of his hand around the back of my neck. His grip was tight. It was painful. He started to walk toward the stairs pulling me along. I tried to keep up and keep quiet. It hurt so bad. 

Just as we reached the stairs his grip got tighter and then in one swift motion yelling at me "you fucking tramp" he threw me into the stairs. I ran up stairs. I stayed there shaking. Scared. Not sure what just happened. I ended up sneaking down stairs knowing he was on the computer and I left. I went to my friends house. I told her what happen. She told her mom, who then called the police. 

I never spoke with the police. I don't know if they ever went to my house. I just know I had to return home. Several hours later. Shortly before bed and when my mom would be returning home from work I made my way back. I came inside quiet as a mouse went upstairs and went right to bed. 

I heard my mom come home and head up the upstairs right away. She opened my door and instantly started to lecture me about what I did. How I was wrong. Informed me that if I ever called the cops again there would be consequences. 

Now being young, facing a situation I had never faced before, I was let down. Is this really what I deserved for logging onto the internet at a friends house? Is this what I deserved for getting cleaners to finish my room with out permission? 

I was so confused with what I did wrong. I did know from that point on I hated my step father. 

That was only the first time he abused me. The abuse didn't stopped for many years. Once I reached the age to start fighting back that is exactly what I did. I took a stand for myself. 16 was the age I was the last time I remember any physical violence from him. At that point I also moved around from friends homes to sisters homes and then finally my Dads.

Him and my mother divorced in I believe 2015. She was so happy and proud of herself. She got out of a toxic relationship. See it was only finally toxic to her because she finally started to get her life together. I was proud of my mother. She was doing good for herself. 

However, I didn't think she was doing some great thing for finally getting a divorce from him. I still couldn't understand how she stayed with him for all those years he abused me. She didn't protect me. She didn't keep me safe from him. So in my head, I was more on the side of "yeppie you did something you should have done more then 10 years ago!" 

Back to current time. Once he caught wind of ever thing I had exposed over the last several weeks he apparently decided to reach out. Why? My only conclusion was that he was making a typical non intelligent intoxicated decision. Which I'm pretty sure is exactly what got him in the position of a lonely drunk living on his own with no one to love or care about him. To think I even had times of sympathy and sadness for him being alone. 

He shoots me a message... this is how our conversation went..

Him: "Shannon? Wtf?"

Me: "???"

Him: "The Jeremy Shit?"

Me: "How'd you hear about that?"

Him: "I have my ways"

Me: I sum up the gist of what happened during all those years. I would copy and past but for the respect and protection of others discussed I wont. I just told him the story that all of you already know from my previous blogs.

Him:"So 20 some years later... you are just now “remember this together? And you didnt run, yell , tell... when it happened ? .. if you remember i was there "

Me: "I did tell my mother. She told me I was being dramatic. She told others to say they were lying"

Him:"No honny we didn't tell anyone to lie. If you remember we stood behind your brother"

Me:" So are you saying me and the other person are lying?"

Him: "You can"

Me:"So what exactly are you saying? We were never molested by my brother? We all just got together and decided to cause unnecessary drama and turmoil?"

Him:"Ok im finished. Yea it is simple you are overreachting... lol.. not lying but... over reacting. sheesh it was 20 sum fucking years ago you guys were kids. brother and sisters... kids do shit... let it go hunny."

Me:"Wow, you're still a fucking moron" "Please don't waste my time responding" "Go have a fabulous day getting drunk"

Him:"Hehe yea. my yepp. but im a moron.but im not trying to ruin my only broters fragile life.""have a great day you self serving bitch.""Haahaaahaaah..i love you shannon... you have alwAys been the.Thorn in my Pride...And one more... Exactly how many years ago did this alleged stuf happen ? Like 20 plus ? Let it go.....

(I copied and pasted his exact words. I didn't correct any of his spelling or errors)
When he says him and my mother stood behind my brother... My brother had already been accused by his step sister on his fathers side for molesting her. They did a bunch investigating but came up empty handed and he walked free of any charges.

That is when I let it all go. Back to square one. How could this piece of shit person in my life... Someone who never brought anything good get me like he did.

Maybe it was the realization that even if I had gone to him at the time I would be brushed off just like my mother brushed me off.

Still feeling like an attacked victim. A victim on trial. What was I being accused of?

Why was everyone so worried about my brother? Why was no one worried about me? or the others? What was special about him?

I started doubting everything. I didn't feel like I was relieved of this awful life. I felt even more trapped and belittled in it.

Maybe I screwed up by coming out with all of this.

Maybe I should have let it all just stay inside and continued on pretending.

HELL NO!!!

This is my damn life, I will stop giving the control over to anyone other then my self. 

I took a stand once again thinking I was helping myself. I was angry. More angry then the first time. 

I didn't expect to learn all the things I did from making 2 posts on facebook. 

2 post. 

That would open the flood gates to more memories and back tracking my attempts to move forward!

Sorry for all the cliff hangers here. I just get really exhausted from writing. Putting this down and out of mind is hard and it takes a lot out of me emotionally. I try to also write as often as possible but have a busy home. Thank you all who have stayed with me. I appreciate your continued support and love. You have no idea how help it has been to see and hear from you guys and gals!